Life of Brian ScriptScene 6: Bloody Do-GoodersThe sketch:music BRIAN: Have I got a big nose, Mum? MANDY: Oh, stop thinking about sex. BRIAN: I wasn't. MANDY: You're always on about it... morning, noon, and night. 'Will the girls like this?' 'Will the girls like that?' 'Is it too big?' 'Is it too small?' BRIAN: I was... just wondering if you thought my nose was-- MANDY: Get your filthy little mind off it! You're forty years old, now. You should have grown out of all that. BRIAN: I'm only just getting interested in it, Mum. MANDY: It's time you got interested in a job, my lad. LEPER #1: Spare a shekel. LEPER #2: God bless you, sir. LEPER #3: Alms for a leper. LEPER #4: Alms for a leper. EX-LEPER: Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch. Spare a talent for an old ex-leper. MANDY: Buzz off! EX-LEPER: Spare a talent for an old ex-leper. MANDY: A talent? That's more than he earns in a month. EX-LEPER: Half a talent, then. MANDY: No, go away! EX-LEPER: Come on, Big Nose. Let's haggle. BRIAN: What? EX-LEPER: All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred. BRIAN: No. EX-LEPER: Seventeen-fifty? MANDY: Go away! EX-LEPER: Seventeen-forty. MANDY: Look. Will you leave him alone? EX-LEPER: All right. Two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh? MANDY: Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off! EX-LEPER: All right, sir. My final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper. BRIAN: Did you say... 'ex-leper'? EX-LEPER: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir. BRIAN: Well, what happened? EX-LEPER: I was cured, sir. BRIAN: Cured? EX-LEPER: Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you. BRIAN: Who cured you? EX-LEPER: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder. BRIAN: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again? EX-LEPER: Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh-- MANDY: Brian! Come and clean your room out. BRIAN: There you are. EX-LEPER: Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story? BRIAN: There's no pleasing some people. EX-LEPER: That's just what Jesus said, sir. baaaa clunk
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