Life of Brian ScriptScene 7: Brian Discovers his Roman HeritageThe sketch:MANDY: Oh. OFFICER: Good afternoon. MANDY: Oh, ah. Hello, officer. Ehh. I'll be with you in a few moments. All right, dear? BRIAN: What's he doing here? MANDY: Now, don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out. BRIAN: Bloody Romans. MANDY: Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and don't you forget it. BRIAN: We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum. MANDY: Well, that's not entirely true, is it Brian? BRIAN: What do you mean? MANDY: Well, you know you were asking me about your, uh... BRIAN: My nose? MANDY: Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian. BRIAN: What is it? MANDY: Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... BRIAN: What? MANDY: Well, Brian,... your father isn't Mr. Cohen. BRIAN: I never thought he was. MANDY: Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army. BRIAN: You mean... you were raped? MANDY: Well, at first, yes. BRIAN: Who was it? MANDY: Heh. Nortius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum. Slaves. Asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me had... voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct. BRIAN: The bastard! MANDY: Yeah. So, next time you go on about the 'bloody Romans', don't forget you're one of them. BRIAN: I'm not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it! slam MANDY: Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, huh? Well, how are you, then, officer?
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