Another Bleedin Monty Python Website banner image image

Monty Python Scripts

Silly Noises / Sherry-drinking Vicar

The cast:

VICAR
Michael Palin
KIRKHAM
Graham Chapman

The sketch:

(Black screen and a collection of really silly noises. Then fade up on a country church. Cut to interior, a vestry. A sign reads 'No Papists'. The door opens and the vicar enters as if from the end of a service. He takes off his cassock and is hanging it up. At one side of the set is a sculpture on a plinth. It is the vicar's head, but with an enormously long nose. Mr. Kirkham has followed the vicar in. He is an earnest, quiet, self-effacing soul, with a tortured conscience.)

Vicar: Come in.

Kirkham: I wondered if I could have a word with you for a moment.

Vicar: By all means ... by all means, sir. Do sit down. (they look round for a chair) Ah,. sit on the desk here.

Kirkham: Thank you.

Vicar: Now then, a glass of sherry?

Kirkham: No... no thank you...

Vicar: (getting a bottle from the cupboard) Are you sure? I'm going to have some.

Kirkham: Well, if you're having some, yes then, perhaps, vicar.

Vicar: (slightly taken aback) Oh... well there's only just enough for me.

Kirkham: Well in that case I won't, don't worry.

Vicar: You see, if I split what's left, there'd be hardly any left for me at all.

Kirkham: Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker.

Vicar: Good! So, I can have it all ... now then what's the problem?

Kirkham: Well, just recently I've begun to worry about...

(The vicar has been looking through his desk. He produces a bottle of sherry in triumph.)

Vicar: Ah! I've found another bottle! You can have some now if you want to.

Kirkham: Well... yes, perhaps a little...

Vicar: Oh you don't have to. I can drink the whole bottle.

Kirkham: Well in that case, no...

Vicar: Good! That's another bottle for me. Do go on.

(The vicar opens the bottle and pours himself a glass. As soon as he has drunk it he replenishes it again.)

Kirkham: I've begun to worry recently that...

(There is a knock on the door.)

Vicar: Come in!

(A smooth man, Mr. Husband, enters carrying a smart little briefcase.)

Vicar: Ah, Mr. Husband ... this is Mr. Kirkham, one of my parishioners, this is Mr. Husband of the British Sherry Corporation...

Kirkham: Look, look, perhaps I'd better come back later...

Vicar: No, no ... no do stay here. Have a sherry... you won't be long will you, Husband?

Husband: Oh no, vicar... it's just a question of signing a few forms.

(The vicar pours Husband a sherry)

Vicar: There we are... there we are, Mr. Husband. Now, how about you, Mr. Kirkham?

Kirkham: Well only if there's enough.

Vicar: Oh well, there's not much now.

Kirkham: Oh, in that case... no... I won't bother.

Vicar: (pouring himself one) Good. Right... now, then, what is the problem, Husband?

Husband: Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our shippers and the most sherry they can ship in any one load is 2,000 gallons.

Vicar: And how many glasses is that?

Husband: That's roughly 540,000 glasses, Vicar.

Vicar: That's excellent, Husband, excellent.

Husband: Yes... it means you can still keep your main sherry supply on the roof, but you can have an emergency supply underneath the vestry of 5,000 gallons.

Vicar: Yes... and I could have dry sherry on the roof and Amontillado in the underground tank!

Husband: Absolutely.

(The vicar signs a form that Husband hands to him.)

Vicar: Excellent work, Husband, excellent work.

Husband: Not at all, vicar, you're one of our best customers... you and the United States. Well goodbye. (he leaves)

Vicar: Terrific. Now then, Mr. Kirkham (pouring himself another sherry) I am so sorry... do go on.

Kirkham: Well, it's just that recently I've begun to worry about...

Vicar: Well, look...

Kirkham: I sometimes ask myself- does the Bible intend...

(A group of Spanish singers in full national costume and guitars bursts into the Vestry, noisily singing a song praising Amontillado. A man in an extravagant Spanish costume rushes in. His hat has a sign on it saying: 'Sherry, the drink of champion'. Two girls come in bearing maracas and Carmen Miranda style hats. Mr. Kirkham looks fed up. The Spaniards finish their song, noisily.)

Monty Python ScriptsMonty Python Scripts Next SceneNext Scene

 

Main Page | Holy Grail Sounds | Holy Grail Script | Flying Circus Scripts | Flying Circus Sounds | The Meaning of Life Script | Life of Brian Script | Silly Links