Monty Python Scripts

'Party Hints' with Veronica Smalls

The cast:

VERONICA

Eric Idle

The sketch:

(Cut to Veronica in the 'Party Hints' set - a chintzy kitchen.)

Veronica: Hello, last week on 'Party Hints' I showed you how to make a small plate of goulash go round twenty-six people, how to get the best out of your canapés, and how to unblock your loo. This week I'm going to tell you what to do if there is an armed communist uprising near your home when you're having a party. Well obviously it'll depend how far you've got with your party when the signal for Red Revolt is raised. If you're just having preliminary aperitifs - Dubonnet, a sherry or a sparkling white wine - then the guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood and it will be difficult to tell which are the communist agitators. So the thing to do is to get some cloth and some bits of old paper, put it down on the floor and shoot everybody. This will deal with the Red Menace on your own doorstep. If you're having canapés, as I showed you last week, or an outdoor barbecue, then the thing to do is set fire to all houses in the street. This will stir up anti-communist hatred and your neighbors will be right with you as you organize counter-revolutionary terror. So you see, if you act promptly . enough, any left-wing uprising can be dealt with by the end of the party. Bye...

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