Monty Python Scripts

Blood Donor

The cast:

SAMSON

John Cleese

GRIMSHAW

Eric Idle

The sketch:

SAMSON: Blood donors that way, please.

DONOR: Oh, thank you very much.

SAMSON: Thank you.

GRIMSHAW: (whispering)

SAMSON: What?

GRIMSHAW: (whispering)

SAMSON: No, no. I'm sorry, but 'no'.

GRIMSHAW: (whispering)

SAMSON: No, you may not give urine instead of blood.

GRIMSHAW: (whispering)

SAMSON: No. Well, I don't care if you want to.

GRIMSHAW: (whispering)

SAMSON: No. There is no such thing as a urine bank.

GRIMSHAW: Please.

SAMSON: No. We have no call for it. We've quite enough of it without volunteers coming in here donating it.

GRIMSHAW: Just a specimen?

SAMSON: No. We don't want a specimen. We either want your blood or nothing.

GRIMSHAW: I'll give you some blood if you'll give me...

SAMSON: What?

GRIMSHAW: ...a thing to do some urine in.

SAMSON: No, no. Just go away, please.

GRIMSHAW: Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood.

SAMSON: Fine. Well, you don't have to, you see. Just go away.

GRIMSHAW: Can I give you some spit?

SAMSON: No.

GRIMSHAW: Sweat?

SAMSON: No.

GRIMSHAW: Ear wax?

SAMSON: No. Look, this is a blood bank. All we want is blood.

GRIMSHAW: All right. I'll give you some blood.

SAMSON: Where did you get that?

GRIMSHAW: Today. It's today's.

SAMSON: What group is it?

GRIMSHAW: What groups are there?

SAMSON: There's 'A',--

GRIMSHAW: It's 'A'.

SAMSON: (sniff) Wait a moment. It's mine. This blood is mine! What are you doing with it?

GRIMSHAW: I found it.

SAMSON: You found it?! You stole it out of my body, didn't you?

GRIMSHAW: No.

SAMSON: No wonder I'm feeling off-color. (drinks from bottle) Give that back!

GRIMSHAW: It's mine.

SAMSON: It's not yours. You stole it.

GRIMSHAW: Never.

SAMSON: Give it back to me.

GRIMSHAW: All right, but only if I can give urine.

SAMSON: Get in the queue...

Monty Python Scripts

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