Monty Python Scripts

Insurance Sketch

The cast:

MARTIN

Eric Idle

FELDMAN

John Cleese

VOICE OVER

Michael Palin

The sketch:

(Animated sequence then leads to: EXTREMELY ANIMATED CAPTION; 'MONTY PYTHON PROUDLY PRESENTS THE INSURANCE SKETCH' Interior smooth-looking office. Mr. Feldman behind a desk, Mr. Martin in front of it. Both point briefly to a sign on the desk: 'Life Insurance Ltd'.)

Martin: Good morning. I've been in touch with you about the, er, life insurance...

Feldman: Ah yes, did you bring the um ... the specimen of your um ... and so on, and so on?

Martin: Yes I did. It's in the car. There's rather a lot.

Feldman: Good, good.

Martin: Do you really need twelve gallons?

Feldman: No, no, not really.

Martin: Do you test it?

Feldman: No.

Martin: Well, why do you want it?

Feldman: Well, we do it to make sure that you're serious about wanting insurance, I mean, if you're not, you won't spend a couple of months filling up that enormous churn with mmm, so on and so on...

Martin: Shall I bring it in?

Feldman: Good Lord no. Throw it away.

Martin: Throw it away? I was months filling that thing up.

(The sound of the National Anthem starts. They stand to attention. Martin and Feldman mutter to each other, and we hear a reverential voice over.)

Voice Over: And we've just heard that Her Majesty the Queen has just tuned into this program and so she is now watching this royal sketch here in this royal set. The actor on the left is wearing the great grey suit of the BBC wardrobe department and the other actor is ... about to deliver the first great royal joke here this royal evening. (the camera pans, Martin following it part way, to show the camera crew and the audience, all standing to attention) Over to the fight you can see the royal cameraman, and behind... Oh, we've just heard she's switched over. She's watching the 'News at Ten'.

(Cries of disappointment.)

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