Monty Python Scripts

How to Feed a Goldfish

The cast:

ADMAN

Eric Idle

RSPCA MAN

Ian Davidson

VOICE OVER

John Cleese

The sketch:

(The background changes to blow-up of a fish tank. The adman is sitting at a desk. He pulls a goldfish bowl over.)

Adman: Well last week on Fish Club we learnt how to sex a pike... and this week we're going to learn how to feed a goldfish. Now contrary to what most people think the goldfish has a ravenous appetite. If it doesn't get enough protein it gets very thin and its bones begin to stick out and its fins start to fall off. So once a week give your goldfish a really good meal. Here's one specially recommended by the Board of Irresponsible People. First, some cold consommé or a gazpacho (pours it in), then some sausages with spring greens, sauté potatoes and bread and gravy.

(He tips all this into the bowl. An RSPCA man rushes in, grabs the man and hauls him off.)

RSPCA Man: All right, come on, that's enough, that's enough.

Adman: ... treacle tan... chocolate cake and...

Voice Over: (and caption on screen) 'THE RSPCA WISH IT TO BE KNOWN THAT THAT MAN WAS NOT A BONA FIDE ANIMAL LOVER, AND ALSO THAT GOLDFISH DO NOT EAT SAUSAGES. (the man is still shouting) SHUT UP! THEY ARE QUITE HAPPY WITH BREADCRUMBS, ANTS' EGGS AND ,THE OCCASIONAL PHEASANT... '

(The last four words are crossed out on the caption.)

Voice Over: Who wrote that?

Monty Python Scripts

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