Monty Python ScriptsPet ConversionsThe cast:
The sketch:(Caption: A PET SHOP SOMEWHERE NEAR MELTON MOWBRAY) Man: Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat. Shopkeeper: Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. (indicates a box on the counter) Man: no, I want a cat really. Shopkeeper: (taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if it is a different box) Oh yeah, how about that? Man: (looking in box) No, that's the terrier. Shopkeeper: Well, it's as near as dammit. Man: Well what do you mean? I want a cat. Shopkeeper: Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussy cat. Man: Its not a proper cat. Shopkeeper: What do you mean? Man: Well it wouldn't meow. Shopkeeper: Well it would howl a bit. Man: No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot? Shopkeeper: No, It's afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll tell you what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of your own choice. (taking small box and rattling it) No problem. Lovely parrot. Man: how long would that take? Shopkeeper: Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... (calling) Harry ... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away? Harry (off screen): No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then I got the frogs to let out. Shopkeeper: Friday? Man: No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present. Shopkeeper: Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ... Man: You'd need a very big tank. Shopkeeper: It's a great conversation piece. Man: Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch.
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