Another Bleedin Monty Python Website banner image image
Main Page TV Series Holy Grail Meaning of Life Life of Brian Silly Links

Monty Python Scripts

Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson

The cast:

HOST
Eric Idle
ARTHUR JACKSON
Terry Jones
OTHER HOST
John Cleese

The sketch:

Host: Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two sheds' Jackson. Mr. Jackson.

Jackson: Hello.

Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...

Jackson: Ah yes.

Host: "Two sheds". How did you come by it?

Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me "Two Sheds".

Host: And do you in fact have two sheds?

Jackson: No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me "Two Sheds".

Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.

Jackson: Yes.

Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?

Jackson: (impatient) No!

Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet?

Jackson: No.

Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.

Jackson: Ah yes.

Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?

Jackson: (surprised) No!

Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?

Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed.

Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in!

Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business -- it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it!

Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson, eh?

Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.

Host: (sternly) Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony.

Jackson: Huh!

Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.

Jackson: What?

Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train-spotting.

Jackson: Well what's that got to do with my bloody music?

Other host: (entering) Are you having any trouble with him?

Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier.

Other host: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, "Two Sheds".

Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, "Two Sheds". This studio isn't big enough for the three of us! (They throw him out.)

Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! [Crash.]

Other host: Get your own Arts program, you fairy!

Host: Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson... Never mind, Timmy.

Other host: Oh Mike, you're such a comfort.

Monty Python ScriptsMonty Python Scripts Next SceneNext Scene

 

Main Page | Holy Grail Sounds | Holy Grail Script | Flying Circus Scripts | Flying Circus Sounds | The Meaning of Life Script | Life of Brian Script | Silly Links