Life of Brian Script

Scene 15: Bloody Boring Prophets

The sketch:

BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET: ...And the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...

FALSE PROPHET: ...For the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...

BORING PROPHET: ...Obadiah, his servants. There shall, in that time, be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi-- with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that, in that time, shall the third one...

BRIAN: How much? Quick.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: What?

BRIAN: It's for the wife.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Oh. Uhhh, twenty shekels.

BRIAN: Right.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: What?

BRIAN: There you are.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Wait a minute.

BRIAN: What?

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Well, we're-- we're supposed to haggle.

BRIAN: No, no. I've got to get--

HARRY THE HAGGLER: What do you mean, 'no, no, no'?

BRIAN: I haven't time. I've got--

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Well, give it back, then.

BRIAN: No, no, no. I just paid you.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Burt!

BURT: Yeah?

HARRY THE HAGGLER: This bloke won't haggle.

BURT: Won't haggle?!

BRIAN: All right. Do we have to?

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Now, look. I want twenty for that.

BRIAN: I-- I just gave you twenty.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Now, are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?

BRIAN: No.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Look at it. Feel the quality. That's none of your goat.

BRIAN: All right. I'll give you nineteen then.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.

BRIAN: What?

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen.

BRIAN: Well, you just said it was worth twenty.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Ohh, dear. Ohh, dear. Come on. Haggle.

BRIAN: Huh. All right. I'll give you ten.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: That's more like it. Ten?! Are you trying to insult me?! Me, with a poor dying grandmother?! Ten?!

BRIAN: All right. I'll give you eleven.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Now you're gettin' it. Eleven?! Did I hear you right?! Eleven?! This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?!

BRIAN: Seventeen?

HARRY THE HAGGLER: No, no, no, no. Seventeen.

BRIAN: Eighteen?

HARRY THE HAGGLER: No, no. You go to fourteen now.

BRIAN: All right. I'll give you fourteen.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Fourteen?! Are you joking?!

BRIAN: That's what you told me to say.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Ohh, dear.

BRIAN: Ohh, tell me what to say. Please!

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Offer me fourteen.

BRIAN: I'll give you fourteen.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: He's offering me fourteen for this!

BRIAN: Fifteen!

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.

BRIAN: Sixteen.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Done. Nice to do business with you.

BRIAN: Huh.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Tell you what. I'll throw you in this as well.

BRIAN: I don't want it, but thanks.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Burt!

BURT: Yeah?

BRIAN: All right! All right. All right.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Now, where's the sixteen you owe me?

BRIAN: I just gave you twenty.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Oh, yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you, then.

BRIAN: Well, that's all right. That's fine. That's fine.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: No. Hang on. I've got it here somewhere.

BRIAN: That's all right. That's four for the gourd.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Four? For this gourd? Four?! Look at it. It's worth ten if it's worth a shekel.

BRIAN: But you just gave it to me for nothing.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: Yes, but it's worth ten!

BRIAN: All right. All right.

HARRY THE HAGGLER: No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten. You're supposed to argue, 'Ten for that? You must be mad!' Ohh, well. sniff One born every minute.

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