Life of Brian ScriptScene 13: What's So Funny About Biggus Dickus?The sketch:trumpets PONTIUS PILATE: ...Make one large living awea. Ahh. CENTURION: Hail Caesar. PILATE: Hail. CENTURION: Only one survivor, sir. PILATE: Ah. Thwow him to the floor. CENTURION: What, sir? PILATE: Thwow him to the floor. CENTURION: Ah. whump BRIAN: Aagh! PILATE: Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew? BRIAN: 'Brian', sir. PILATE: 'Bwian', eh? BRIAN: No, no. 'Brian'. slap Aah! PILATE: Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit. CENTURION: Has what, sir? PILATE: Spiwit. CENTURION: Yes. He did, sir. PILATE: No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do. CENTURION: Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir. PILATE: So, you dare to waid us. BRIAN: To what, sir? PILATE: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly! slap BRIAN: Aaah! CENTURION: Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir? PILATE: What? CENTURION: Thwow him to the floor again, sir? PILATE: Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please. BRIAN: Aah! whump PILATE: Now, Jewish wapscallion. BRIAN: I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman. PILATE: A Woman? BRIAN: No, no. Roman. slap Aah! PILATE: So, your father was a Woman. Who was he? BRIAN: He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons. PILATE: Weally? What was his name? BRIAN: 'Nortius Maximus'. CENTURION: Ahh, ha ha! PILATE: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison? CENTURION: Well, no, sir. PILATE: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked? CENTURION: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir. GUARD #4: chuckling PILATE: What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'? CENTURION: Well, it's a joke name, sir. PILATE: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'. GUARD #4: chuckling PILATE: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behavior like that. BRIAN: Can I go now, sir? slap Aaah! Eh. PILATE: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this. GUARD #4: chuckling PILATE: Wight! Take him away! CENTURION: Oh, sir, he-- he only-- PILATE: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week. CENTURION: Yes, sir. Come on, you. GUARD #4: Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo... PILATE: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus... GUARD #1: chuckling PILATE: ...Dickus? GUARD #1: chuckling PILATE: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'... GUARD #3: chuckle PILATE: ...'Dickus'? GUARD #1 and GUARD #2: chuckling PILATE: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'. GUARDS: laughing PILATE: Stop! What is all this? GUARDS: Ha, ha ha ha ha ha... PILATE: I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behavior. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not-- Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
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