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Monty Python and The Holy Grail

Scene 1: The Trouble With Swallows

[opening music]

[wind]

[clop clop clop]

ARTHUR: Whoa there!

[clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!

SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one!

ARTHUR: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR: Yes!

SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR: What?

SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--

SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR: We found them.

SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR: What do you mean?

SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk

SOLDIER #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

SOLDIER #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

SOLDIER #1: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!

SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!

SOLDIER #1: But then of course, uh, African swallows are non-migratory.

SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah.

SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.

[clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

SOLDIER #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.

SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

SOLDIER #2: Well, why not?

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