Monty Python ScriptsThe Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch / Court (Phrasebook)The cast:
The sketch:
(Set: A tobacconist's shop.) Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy cigarettes.... A Hungarian tourist approaches the clerk. The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book. Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched. Clerk: Sorry? Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched. Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's. Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched. Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack). Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels. Clerk: Sorry? Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels (pretends to strike a match). Clerk: Ahh, matches! Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy? Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right. Hungarian: You great poof. Clerk: That'll be six and six, please. Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected. Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words) Hungarian punches the clerk. Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's. Cop: What's going on here then? Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs. Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!? Clerk: He hit me! Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime. (points at clerk) Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm) Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight! (scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop. Cast: Bailiff: Call Alexander Yalt! (voices sing out the name several times) Judge: Oh, shut up! Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt? Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am. Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt? Publisher: I am. Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead? Publisher: Not guilty. Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace? Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace. Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company? Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company. Bailiff: Your company publishes phrase books? Publisher: My company does publish phrase books. Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you? Publisher: Yes. Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him! (lawyer and cop applaud, laugh) Judge: Get on with it, get on with it. Bailiff: That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book. Publisher: I did. Bailiff: I quote one example. The Hungarian phrase meaning "Can you direct me to the station?" is translated by the English phrase, "Please fondle my bum." Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence. Cop: (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord? Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not! (the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.) Judge: Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment? Cop: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord. (cut to ancient footage of old women applauding) Judge: (banging + swinging gavel) If there's any more stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court.
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